Connection is one of my core values and something that I bring into everything I do. There is a beautiful quote by SC Lourie, the poet and founder of Butterflies and Pebbles, about how she craves connection more than anything else.

“As I get older, I crave connection beyond it all.
More than favours, or bliss.
I yearn for connection, my soul quietly always.
Just to know, to feel in the blood flowing through me that I am seen and not seen through.
That I am truly seen and not projected on.
That I am me, the human being that I am is seen rather than people seeing what they want to see.
And that I see them, truly see them.
That there we are.
No I and no you.
Just as we are.
In our sadness, our joy, our chaos, and our peace, connected.
One. Hearts naked. Connection.”

Let’s deal with the last part first, not wanting people to see what they want to see. The bad news is that we have absolutely NO control of how people see us, and therefore NO control over what they want to see.

We are NOT them and they are NOT us.

The good news is that we can accept the fact that we have no control over other people, by telling ourselves that everyone is doing the best they can (including us), that we all chose to come to Earth at this time and we all need to experience certain things in order to grow, and that we all have different filters or ways of seeing others, that depend on how we were brought up and the life experiences we have had.

Now for the first part: I long to be seen and not seen through, seen, and not projected on. So how do we do this?

Well, nearly 6 years ago, I decided that I was going to show up as my authentic self, to be really seen for who I am, for who my soul is. I was able to take this step as I had been working on my own personal development for nearly 10 years prior to this and had experienced a lot of heart-wrenching situations, mainly with my close family, but also with people who I thought were close friends.

During these times, I was forced to go really, really deep, and face all my fears – fear of rejection and injustice, which then led to feelings of anger, deep sadness and frustration.

Knowing that I had no control over others, I chose to work on accepting myself with all my flaws (meditation and journaling helped me greatly) and doing what I felt was right (and therefore counteracting rejection and injustice).

This took time, but the great thing was that I also stepped out of my comfort zone during this period, enrolled on a few training courses, went away on my own for 2 weeks and started connecting with like-minded souls.

Baring all seemed easier and easier and became essential for me to grow.

To my surprise, in doing so, the people who had been holding me back moved out of my life as if by magic, and those who are my tribe moved in, to make it much brighter and lighter, and to encourage me to step into my light.

BEING SEEN AND NOT SEEN THROUGH can be done by practising active listening, a technique that forms the basis of successful relationships, requiring you to listen with all your senses and conveying your interest to the speaker through verbal and non-verbal cues (maintaining eye contact, smiling, saying Mmm hmm, for example). If you actively listen to someone, chances are that they will do the same for you!

BEING SEEN AND NOT PROJECTED ON involves you questioning things that others may say to you that just don’t fit. Instead of asking them WHY, which automatically leads to a justification or even an argument, ask them WHAT MAKES THEM SAY THAT.

This opens up the conversation to a constructive discussion, during which you will more often than not be able to speak your truth and be heard, and therefore get rid of any projections coming from the other person. If this doesn’t work, just remember that they are simply projections, and a reflection of the other person’s state of mind, not reality.

In my experience, if that person is here to stay with you, your truth will be heard and accepted, and if not, well…

I used to be afraid of having no friends, of being alone, of not being liked/loved for who I am and have to smile now when I realize that letting go of these fears has actually brought me more friends who show me that they like/love me for who I am and encourage me to go even further on my path of self-development.

If you’re longing to be seen for who you really are, I can help you. My healing and mentoring services are tailored to your own specific needs and desires, no one else’s. I can take you from feeling lost and burnt-out to confident and at peace, from feeling so much doubt and dutybound to fulfilled and full of self-love, from feeling overwhelmed by your emotions and fragile to feeling free and on the right path, your path.

I’m just a call away – please take that leap of faith and book yourself in today.

I see you xxx

In my experience as a coach, teacher and healer, one of the keys that everyone needs to work on is communication, and especially positive, non-judgemental communication. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been told by my clients that their partner/family/boss/colleague doesn’t understand them, take the time to listen, show interest in what they’re doing… This leaves them feeling misunderstood, judged, and even helpless, and when they come to me, they feel like they’ve reached a point of no return. Working on clarifying their communication opens them up to much better and more fulfilling relationships

In this blog, I’m going to share two techniques that I regularly use during my coaching and mentoring sessions – Meta Mirror, a great NLP (neurolinguistic programming) technique, and Non-Violent Communication, an alternative way of communicating created by the late Marshall B. Rosenberg. You will also be able to read a short case study showing you how they work well together.

The first thing I normally do when addressing communication problems is to ask my client to name their biggest difficulty. Is it a problem with speaking? With listening? With understanding or being understood? With expressing their feelings and/or emotions?

Once we’ve got a bit clearer on the root of the problem, I ask them to think back to the last time there was a breakdown in communication with a particular person and to describe what happened and what they could have done differently. This opens them up to different possibilities and helps them to start moving away from feeling like a victim and towards taking their share of responsibility. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango; so, in the event of a breakdown in communication, both parties are responsible, maybe one more than the other, but it’s never 100% one person and 0% the other.

Meta Mirror

A great coaching technique that can be used when revisiting a past experience and seeing it through someone else’s eyes is the Meta Mirror. This is an exercise that brings together a few different perspectives, that of the client, that of the other person involved in the breakdown of communication, and that of an independent observer looking at both people impartially. The aim of this technique is to get the client to gain insight into the past situation and to replace any stuck thoughts and feelings with a greater understanding of the other person and creative ideas to improve their relationship.

Credit: https://www.pinterest.fr/pin/324751823108350142/

At this point, the client has often identified examples of judgemental, accusing, and negative ways of communicating. This is when I introduce Non-Violent Communication (NVC).

Non-Violent Communication

This is a 4-point process which is great for improving our relationships with others, as it generates respect, attention and empathy. Here are the 4 steps involved:

Observations
Feelings
Needs
Requests

Observations: this is an invitation for the client to observe the situation without interpreting or judging it.

Feelings: the focus here is on the client’s FEELINGS and not on what he or she thinks. It’s often difficult for us to identify and be able to talk about how we feel, but it’s an essential part of this communication model.

Needs: this is when the client will talk about his or her needs, which are often not being met, because if they were, there probably wouldn’t have been a breakdown in communication in the first place.

Requests: this final step is really important and sometimes overlooked. If the client stops before making a request, all he or she has really been doing is talking about himself or herself. Communication is a two-way process, so we need to have the other party involved in it. Making requests and not demands on the other person is a great way of inviting them to share things with us, to participate, to help us, and to make both our lives better.

Case Study

Here’s an example of how this can work. One of my clients came to me after having had a blazing row with her partner, which ended up with them both not talking to each other for days. As my client is a highly sensitive, empathetic person, she finds it difficult to talk about how she’s feeling and generally tends to keep all of this to herself. I suggested she use the NVC technique to calmly express herself to her partner. This is what she came up with:

“When I hear you shout at me because I have spent time with my friends rather than with you, I feel guilty and angry because I need to have my girls’ night out, it helps me to unwind, and I enjoy spending time in their company. If you want to spend time with me, how about going to the cinema this weekend?”.

As you can see from the above example, my client used the word ‘I’ most of the time, and only included ‘You’ in the request phase of the process. This is a guarantee of non-judgemental communication and a creative idea of how to improve her relationship with her partner. He is now able to understand why she spends time with her friends, even if he doesn’t approve, and is in a position to accept her invitation to the cinema. Instead of the shouting escalating into a row, which is what happened previously, any future conflict will be able to be resolved peacefully using clear, positive words that are used to simply state the facts from my client’s point of view.

Sometimes, it doesn’t take much to totally change your perspective and improve the way you communicate with others!

If any of this sounds familiar, I invite you to reach out to me, either by sending me a message or booking your SOUL call, a 30-minute call to explore how I can best help you.

This blog was originally written for the online coaching magazine, International Coaching News, and published in the 26^th edition in September 2019.

Coaching and Mentoring

Meta Mirror

Non-Violent Communication

Case Study

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